Stressed and Conflicted

Work is still kicking my my butt, although at this point it's due to schedule changes which have resulted in closing one night, 10 pm and later, and opening the next morning, 6 am. Repeatedly. I'm looking for another job, the constant schedule changes and high stress levels are pulling me down into the abyss. The Husband took my blood pressure on a whim last week. According to the American Heart Association online, I'm now in the "pre high bloodpressure" category. Borderline. How fabulous! Hubby sat me down for a big lecture on stress reduction and eating better (as if) and maybe I oughta reconsider this line of work.

I'm really conflicted about the whole employment issue, to be honest. I found a job so he could return to school while he's already working full time. I didn't want him to have to work extra hours to make ends meet, especially while he's in school. I want to keep my promise. He points out that only four days of extra work per month and he can equal what I'm bringing home. He didn't say it to put me down, although it is discouraging, only in an attempt to help me feel like it's ok to let this one go. So that's one arm being pulled in one direction.

Another arm is held by the kids, who in the last two weeks, have seen me only a couple of days because of school. Meaning, to be clear, that I'm off mornings and then go to work right before they come home. I don't return until after 11 pm, long after they're in bed. Husband works late evenings as well, so over the last few weeks they've been home alone for the afternoon and evening three nights a week. Which isn't what I signed up for.

I know that most of my problem is simply whining. There are women I work with who can't quit, who are the main breadwinners or who have a financial situation where their income is absolutely required. While we'd have to be careful and Hubby would have to be sure to get his four days in, I could simply leave without finding a job first. I'm in a better situation than many others and I know it.

The third problem is that my schedule has greatly interfered with our church activities, most importantly Sunday attendance. I think I've only managed to get to Sunday services four or five times since Christmas. The kids' activities have been sharply surtailed too, because of transportation problems. We live 30+ miles away from the parish, so carpooling is out of the question. No one lives as far out as we do. Like all people, I'm made of clay. Skippinig church if I want to is ok, not great but ok. But having my option to attend or to stay home taken away is like a pebble in my shoe.

So Hubby's added four days to his schedule this next few weeks. I've not given notice yet. I've not made up my mind. I'm job hunting. I miss my kids and I miss my church. There's a huge part of me that says that I just need to grow up and get with the program, all adults have to make compromises with work and family life. I know that and it's ok. I just feel like the job is winning.